Apr 22, 2009

Crank 2: High Voltage, High Entertainment

The Premise:

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is picked up at the beginning of this film where he left off in the last one, lying three-quarters dead on the street after a, probably, two mile free-fall out of a helicopter. Chelios is scooped up by a very precise team of black market organ harvesters who sedate Chelios and replace his heart with an electrically charged temp job, then ready to swipe up the rest of his organs, including his man-organ. Which is huge, apparently. Well Chelios wakes up, and boy let me tell you, he is not happy! Murder and mayhem occurs from here until the end in some of the most off the wall, utterly ridiculous and laughable fight scenes imaginable as Chelios tries to track down the man who has his heart. He’s really possessive like that. But he has to keep his body electrically charged by any means necessary or he’ll kick the bucket.

The Standouts:

There wasn’t really anyone bad in this movie. All the actors and actresses just went on the set and had fun. It was all hilarious in a cheesy kind of way. This is definitely the best B movie in existence, and matches, or maybe tops anything Quentin Tarantino, Ridley Scott or David Fincher have produced in terms of “Ultimate Guy Movie”. I mean, jeeze, every fifteen minutes, you’re staring at some chicks rack. It doesn’t take a long, deep and philosophical brainstorm meaning to decide on the tone of the movie. “Yeah, that sounds great, and we’ll have blood everywhere on the wall. And then, I’m thinking, I don’t know, naked chicks?” “Again?” “Again? What are you, gay?” I will say this though, as I’m sure it’s a concern. This is a sequel, and it picks up RIGHT where the last movie left off, so should you feel obligated to see the first Crank? Ehhhh, not really. Taking no real sense of seriousness in the film, they use a variety of flashback methods to catch everyone up, but if you’d like to feel on the inside track so you can inform everyone of things before they should know, yeah, go rent the original Crank. It’s not as good as this one, because they just didn’t push it as hard as they did here, but it’s not that bad.

My Highlight:

Oh man, there are so many. Trying not to spoil anything, I’ll just drop a few hints. When you see them, you’ll know exactly what I was talking about and feel the same way. 1) Godzilla. 2) REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Stop Loving You”. 3) Ten Minute Porno.

Overall Rating:

5*’s out of 5*’s. It won’t be nominated for anything most likely because of its genre, but in terms of what it was shooting for, there was absolutely no way it could have been done better. The only thing that could stop me from rushing out and buying this when it comes out on DVD, or seeing it multiple times in theaters, is because I don’t want to feel like a pervert, and I mean that both because of the graphic nudity and the graphic violence. Seriously, I’d need to shower constantly if I saw this more than once.

When You Should See It:

If you’re a guy, and I mean a REAL man: hair on your chest, red blooded, head banging, hang out in your man cave with your wang out, rush out and see it before some censor-Nazi puts the kibosh on it and ruins everyone’s fun. If you’re an average chick (because there’s exceptions to every rule), maybe wait to buy this movie for your boy when it comes out, otherwise, I can’t see you really enjoying this too much.

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