May 4, 2009

Ammo is hard to find

According to CNN there is a nation-wide shortage of firearm ammunition. It looks like everyone is afraid of Obama putting a tax on ammo in the future, or putting a ban on certain ammo all together. This caused many people to go out to their local Wal-mart and fill their shopping carts. Because of this, stock of ammunition around the nation is running low.

Lets face it, it's not because of Obama that people are buying ammunition! It's for a more obvious reason! CNN won't admit it, but the real reason is because of Zombies. Yes Zombies. The news has been tricky the past weeks. What does Pirates + Swine Flu + ammunition shopping spree equal? There is an outbreak of zombies coming from the ground. So what should we do about these zombies? I asked Shawn (Blogger/Zombie expert) on zombies.

Nick: So Shawn, how do I know you are in fact not a zombie?

Shawn: Well there are several qualities that differentiate between me and the walking dead. With myself, you may notice a definite lack of decomposer, blood splatter from where I was bitten, or from my mouth where I had been biting, and I can bust a move when given a beat, which unless you're Michael Jackson, no Zombie has ever accomplished before or since.

Nick: I know in movies, zombies are mean, but are they in real life? I know of the Swine Flu, but wouldn't there be a more powerful attack the zombies could be preparing?

Shawn: Very deep question there Nick. Not all Zombies are intrinsically cruel and sadistic. Like any creed or culture, all of them have their extremists, and the manner in which zombies are portrayed in most film today show a definite misunderstanding of the culture at large, segueing into an illogical fear. But you may have stumbled upon a fascinating cover-up. These Zombie extremists may have unleashed the Swine Flu upon the planet, seeing as how the illness would be completely ineffective to the walking dead. We can only hope that they have not yet been introduced to another weapon of mass destruction of which the majority of the world is not prepared for, that being the Africanized killer bees.

Nick: How should a normal non redneck like myself prepare for such a zombie attack?

Shawn: Guns. Anything that will penetrate will do, but a bullet is small, easy to disperse and often comes in boxes. Because zombies have their nervous systems destroyed upon their first death, they feel no pain and are running only by a phenomenally working heart and brain. The heart continues to pump the blood throughout the body giving it movement, and the brain keeps the zombie eternally awake. Shooting the zombie in the heart will put it down probably for good but it will continue to live until the brain fails or is destroyed.

Nick: What about bomb shelters? Should we take the time to prepare one or would it be a waste of time?

Shawn: A bomb shelter is ideal, but not completely necessary. Zombies can do structural damage to a house by acting as kamikazes on the walls and windows (goes back to them feeling no pain) so the last thing you want is to have your back up against a wall only to have some corpsy hands burst through behind you. So if not a bomb shelter, you’ll want something with thick, solid walls. Steel and concrete if possible, so start brushing up on your architecture now.

Nick: Last question, if a human impregnated a zombie. Would the zombie baby be a zombie or a human?

Shawn: This question could recreate the entire religious debate of when does life begin. Technically, if a human male impregnates a female zombie (which is the only way it can happen, as a male zombie would likely just try to eat a human female is presented before him) then it would be human in its early stages. However, because the female zombie isn’t consuming any real food that can be passed on to the child, it would die within the womb and come out stillborn, not regenerating back to life. So you could argue that it’s a dead human, or a zombie that was just never given life in my opinion.

Nick: That's all the time we have for today, thank you for your tips.

*By reading this you swear not to take the whole zombie thing seriously and can not sue us if there are no zombie attacks. If there are zombie attacks... should of listened to us.


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