Jun 30, 2009

Southland Tales

poster from slashfilm.com

Texas is hit with a terrorist nuke which starts up World War III, despite no mention of any other country in the world except for America and some middle eastern, potentially terrorist harboring countries. America is rocked to it's very foundation by the attack and a government upheaval takes place. Those dirty, dirty republicans, lead by George Bush who your shown clips of from actual speeches, a handful of fictional senators and a mad scientist who found an alternative source of energy so America need no longer rely on foreign oil take the reins and turn America into the dreaded tyrannical Big Brother dystopia. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays action-film star, Boxer Santeros who wakes up in the desert with amnesia, which is easy to guess right off the bat that he knew something he wasn't supposed to, but is taken in by the very quirky ex-porn star, Krysta Now, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar.

An epic cast featuring everybody and their mother. No joke. See if you recognize any of these names: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz, Wallace Shawn, Kevin Smith, Bai Ling, Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, and Will Sasso. A real standout among this all-star team is Sarah Michelle Gellar, who easily has some of the most entertaining pieces of the film. She's not one of those regretful ex-pornstars, oh no. She goes on and on about the joys of sex in some class A dirty dialog.

Opposing that, when Justin Timberlake's character isn't narrating through bible verses, his voice doesn't have the impact needed to explain what's going on. Seann William Scott's character is meant to appear on the fence of psychotic through the film, but really has trouble pulling it off without the occasional special effect. And while I love The Rock, his character was one of the most convoluted and messily written I've ever seen. He's in the neighborhood of 6'5" and weighs two and a quarter, so why they made him a neurotic, anxiety-ridden, self-proclaimed "pimp" with no real action scenes is beyond me.

My Highlight:
A toss-up between Sarah Michelle Gellar's dirty talk and Justin Timberlake's completely out-of-nowhere music video to The Killer's "All These Things That I've Done" while high.

Overall Rating:
1* out of 5. It had a great budget and an all star cast, but it didn't know where it was going or where it was coming from. The political agenda is a thick smog choking you while you're trying to find entertainment in the dark comedy. Granted, while the funny parts are hilarious, none of the serious parts are the least bit believable in its writing or directing. And I say this having loved Donnie Darko (the same writer/director of this movie) which was also very mashed up, but this is utterly ridiculous. AND HOLY KERMIT THE FROG IS IT LONG! 144 minutes - practically two and a half drudging hours.

When You Should See It:
After receiving a lobotomy so you have some noise in the room while you color with a three-pack of crayons. But for confirmation of how bad this is, you can catch it on Netflix: Instant Watch like I did. Let's see how long you last watching it.

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